Meeting Mother
by crazyrubsoff
Summary: Crack!fic. In which Luffy is introduced to his father earlier. Adventures ensue with his pirate Mother. The Warlord Crocodile. Because Ivankov uses sex altering hormones and Croc gets blackmailed. Shenanigans happen.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to world of One Piece Crack!AU and the insanity that is my brain. The inspiration from this came from Aoi24's fic sailing for misadventures chapter 9. Please enjoy.**

* * *

The wind blew. The clouds rolled. Lightning flashed and thunder clapped. The heavens themselves seemed to be in revolt. A muted reflection as sharpened steel arced through the air. An uneasy feeling at the sight of a blinding grin. Last words - a promise for the future, an impossible dream - that coulnd't not be heard. Couldn't be dismissed, but couldn't be believed either. A grinned apology with no sincerity and no regard for consequences.

For Marine Captain Smoker, this was just like that day twenty two years ago. This was just like that time. He was older now, no longer a brat running between everyones' legs. It wasn't that mighty, feared man chained to a podium broadcast for all the world to see. It wasn't the bright and sunny mid morning that allowed for the world to see and hear.

(But it was that same strange, stupid grin. That same inability to not take heed, the same world-changing proclomations, and the same feeling of something big approaching. Most of all, it was that same stupid letter.)

For Smoker, this day wouldn't end the same. He would make sure of it.

A flash of light. The crash of thunder. A screech of tortured iron. The crackle of rising flames. An obnoxious laugh. And a surprised exclamation - the execution that shouldn't be happening failed by the intevention of the heavens themselves.

From his vantage point on the roof, the cloaked figure watched the proceedings. Watched as the 'flashy' clown pirate was grandstanding. Watched as foolhardy impossible declarations were made. Watched the marines sneak in to surround the plaza. Heard the captain decide to move in when heads roll.

(But he is the wind. And the wind sees, observes and knows. The wind does not care.)

Lightning flashes and strikes the platform. Rubber is impervious to lightning. The fool survives. The face under the cowl of the cloak lights up. A grim expression on a grisly face; made all the more unyeilding by the stark red tribal tattoos criss-crossing down the left side of his face. It is like a bad burn scar.

(Nobody sees - nobody knows to look. They are all distracted by the spectacle in the square. No-one knows he is there. That's okay with him. He is the win and the wind doesn't need to be seen. The wind is always there. Always known.)

Monkey D. Dragon Smiles.

(Before the wind, he was human. He was a father. His child will be great and he can't help but feel proud. (There is only himself to blame if they are on differing sides. He is only glad his son didn't become a marine; glad he didn't chase the corrupt justice of the world government.) He can't bring himself to leave.)

* * *

Human rubber slams hard on cobbled stone. Is squashed by the near 200 pounds of Smoker driving him there. A comment about the price on the boy's head. A disparaging remark about the change in luck. Reach over shoulder, grip jitte handle, draw-

Another hand gripping worn leather. Another force working the jitte, counterpoint to Smoker's own. Another derogatoriness, this time to Smoker's cofidence.

Confirm identity, check. Inform foe his wanted status, check. Receive intrepid reply, check.

Smoker stared at the interloper, cigars clenched firmly in mouth.

Straw Hat twitched. Asked questions that wouldn't matter when locked securely in a cell with plans to ship off to Impel Down.

 **The Wind Blew.**

The rain stopped. The wind stopped. The lightning and thunder stopped. The heavens themselves stopped.

There was a lull in the fighting.

Marines were blown away. Sea stone nets were blown away. Civilians had already sought shelter from people and elements alike. Pirates were freed. Ships rocked where anchored. The Straw Hat crew found themselves together. There were no marines.

(Dragon controlled the wind. He didn't have to go anywhere. He did anyway.)

* * *

The small caravel was loved by its humans. They called it a her, and they called her Going Merry. Going Merry loved the name they called her, she loved the humans under her care. At this moment, Going Merry was being pushed out to sea. The boy-humans were being left behind. The girl-human was yelling at them to hurry aboard. Going Merry agreed. Going Merry had no thought to spare to the strange wind-human slinking in the shadows of the deck. Going Merry was more concerned about her humans still on land. Rubber-boy-human was running away from the sea, away from Going Merry. The other three, they were watching him. They were panicking and scared. Rubber-boy-human was stretching now. Going Merry realised what he was planning. So did all Going Merry's other humans...

Too late.

The four boy-humans landed safely on the jib and fell to the deck. Girl-human started yelling again. They were free, they were safe. Going Merry went back to sleep.

Dragon watched as Luffy and his crew picked themselves up. Watched as the redhead, the only girl of the group, gave orders; watched how everyone followed them. It was only when they started to relax that he let himself be known by them.

"A good crew you managed to get yourself, Luffy." He said, walking out of the shadows.

The crew jumped, assuming battle stances. The green-haired one, who had three swords like the rumors of that pirate hunter, 'Roronoa,' palmed the hilts of his blades, pointedly loosening one of them in its sheathe, clearly ready for a fight. The blonde one, dressed in a suit, slouched somewhat; but he had taken his hands out of his pockets, and Dragon had seen him fight, seen him kick anyone he deemed an enemy when they got too close. He would react only fractionally slower than the swordsman. The boy with the long nose, he was less impressive. He scrambled backwards away from Dragon. He fell over and he was trembling something terrible. But he still managed to pull out a slingshot and aim it somewhat at him. Not that a slingshot would do any good at any distance. Not that any of them could do any damage to Dragon. Even without his devil fruit they'd be lucky to get in a scratch. The girl was interesting. She had backed off with the slingshot boy but was considering him with something shrewed, something that seemed to understand. All this was taken in as background.

Because Luffy...

Luffy was the most interesting one of all. Luffy, who was his son. Luffy, who nearly died today. Luffy, who was ready to fight if Dragon so much as-

Luffy hadn't moved. He was just standing there as if unknown cloaked, shadowed people with frightening facial tattoos were an everyday occurance. As if having a stranger on his ship was normal.

"O-oi. L-luf-fy." Longnose stammered. "H-he's p-prob-bably d-dangerous. G-get away from him."

Luffy just turned side on, so he could see everyone. Everyone could see him.

"Nah." He said, balling his right hand into a fist and sticking his pinky into his nose. "I don't think he's a bad person."

Dragon sighed, "you are definitely his grandson."

Luffy showed more reaction than his previous indifference at this. He took a step away from Dragon, took his finger out of his nose and asked shakily, "you know Grandpa?"

Dragon chuckled, a low humorless sound. "He is my father. I am Monkey D Dragon."

Monkey D Dragon did not get the reaction from Luffy he was looking for. The rest of the crew did not dissapoint.

The swordsman looked to be straining himself thinking. The suit seemed to having a slightly easier time of it, echoing "Dragon" to himself slowly. Red turned suddenly wide eyes on him, mouthing the word "revolutionary" to herself breathlessly. Longnose looked contemplative, and seemed to have found enough courage to speak up.

"Monkey D? Does that mean you are Luffy's uncle or something?" Luffy's previously blank expression turned amazed in point five seconds.

"I have an Uncle?"

Dragon extracted the finger out of his nose - when did that get there? Ddn't he do away with that habit? - and stared at the boy for all of two seconds. He sighed.

"Figures he wouldn't talk about me." he murmured to himself. Then, louder and to the crew, "Luffy is my son." There were mixed reactions. Three of them seemed to come at the same time.

"I have a father?" Ah, Luffy...

"Makes sense. Can totally see it." That was Swordsman, who nodded conclusively and that was the end of that.

"Aren't you the revolutionary? That Dragon?" Red. She stared at him, not quite the same dumbstruck look of the last two boys, but close enough. Dragon nodded. She made flustered excuses and left. Suit followed her, squeeling something about tea and madamoiselle and idiots. Swordsman gave him a look then shrugged, getting comfortable and looking for all the world like he had gone to sleep.

Longnose tried to bluster out something that could have been impressive but all his bravado had left him and it fell flat.

Silence Descended. Until it was broken.

"If you are Luffy's father," Longnose seemed to have regained enough courage to bend to his curiosity, "then you would know his mother." He prompted.

"Yes." Dragon nodded, then turned to Luffy. "Your mother is the shichibukai, Crocodile."

"I have a mother? A shi-chu-ka?" Luffy had been lost. Dragon sighed. Again.

"Nevermind. Your mother is Crocodile. A pirate with a hook iinstead of a hand and a nasty scar on the bridge of the nose." Luffy nodded.

And suddenly they were riding the currents up reverse mountain. Dragon was gone when they were swallowed by a giant whale.

* * *

Smoker swore. This day wasn't going to end like that one. Not on his watch. That time, chaos left Logue Town and infected the world. He let Straw Hat get away from him once. It wasn't going to happen again. He was going to chase that runt down and stop the spread of the havoc inevitably left in the wake of that infernal D.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading Please send all orders for brain bleach somewhere else, I'm all out.**

 **There will be a next installment coming soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN**

 _It took a while but I have the next chapter out. The good news is that I have a substantial amount of this written already, all of it if I don't write up that one scene about Dadan..._

* * *

Luffy pouted.

This girl, Miss Wedding or something, was telling them someone was trying to take over her country, but told him that he couldn't ask her who. "But you know, don't you?" He asked. He wanted to know if this guy was strong. If he would be worth fighting.

"Don't ask me that! I can't tell you that! If I told you they'd hunt you down too." Miss Windsy was getting close to hysteris now. And Nami was laughing.

"We wouldn't want that ." It sounded somewhat hollow to Luffy's ears. "If he's trying to take over an entire nation, he must be strong, right?"

Miss Landsay nodded sonemlike. "Yes. He is. Even the strongest have no hope to even touch him. He'll slaughter you. The shichibukai, CROCODILE!" She was almost yelling by the end it. There was two seconds of calm.

"Ah. You mean Mum?"

"Right. You understand there's no way you can go against someone like that, especially if Crocodile is your mum." Pause.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!" She was really freaking out now, all sharp toothed and staring at him. Luffy was getting odd looks from Zoro, too. And that weird vulture-otter pair watching them had fallen backwards off their perch. Nami seemed to be close to sobbing. She can be so draman-kick.

The vulture-otter pair had sorted themselves out enough to fly away. Everyone stared.

"Hey!" Nami can be scary. "What was that with the two animals? One of the shichibukai is gonna be after us! What's going to happen to us? Are we gonna die? We're gonna die!" Nami was shaking the poor girl by the shoulders.

"I'm so, so sorry." Miss Lohan cried, "it just slipped out! What was it that you're captain said?" She tried to switch the subject back, both to distract the crazy navigator shaking her and verify something, but it was too late.

"Sorry won't cut it! You've gotten us mixed up in this and Luffy will want to meet his Mum. We're going to die and it's all your fault. Why, Miss Wednesday, Why?" So that was her name.

"Call me Vivi. Tell me about the part where you think Crocodile is Luffy's Mum." That got their attention. Three heads turned to look at Luffy. Who was casually picking his nose.

"Dad said, 'your mother is Crocodile. A Pirate.' S Crocodile is my Mum."

"That makes no sense at all. Crocodile is a man!" There were shocked looks all around.

"So?" Luffy asked. He truly didn't see the problem.

"I'll tell you why Crocodile can't be your Mum while we're on the sea, okay Luffy." Zoro told him, honestly bored with all the chaos.

"Whatever." Nami declared suddenly, standing up from where she had been crying into the wall. "They don't know my face yet. I am getting out of here." Nami stormed off. It was only a minute later she came back with tears streaming down her face, blubbering about stupid animals that can draw.

* * *

Smoker had found himself in the desert kingdom of Alabasta after gruelling months of following the trail of mischief left behind by that Straw Hat brat. After seeing the hundred bounty hunters that had been laid out by the swords brat Tashigi was so interested in, Roronoa, in Whiskey Peak and then the reforming on the newly christened Sakura Island, Smoker was reasonably sure they'd be here in Alabasta. While Straw Hat wasn't the pirate in front of him now, Fire Fist Ace was.

"What's one of Whitebeard's commanders doing in this part of the grand line?" He asked, getting a cocky smirk in reply.

"I'm looking for someone. What about you, what brings a marine captain such as yourself to pirate infested waters like these?" Smoker grit his teeth around his cigars.

"I'm chasing a pirate." He told the boy, with just enough sarcasm to get across what he thought of the menace.

"Well. You could just let me go, then. No need to duke it out when you're hunting other prey." Portgas didn't move didn't move from where he was slouched against the bar, one elbow braced behind him for support, an ankle draped over the other knee and hat tilted back to get a good view of the entire restaurant. Smoker observed the slight flickering of flames on the hand holding his hat up and reacted accordingly.

"But you're still a pirate and I'm still a marine," he said, arms billowing into smoke, "which means I'm going to have to take you in." Smoker prepared to attack but just as he was about to take that first step forward, something large slammed into him with a substantial amount of force from behind. Smoker was propelled into Portgas and the two of them went through the bar, the wall, another wall, an alley, a third wall and then Portgas was crashing through several more walls alone because Smoker was laid out and groaning in the middle of a pile of rubble.

When Portgas D Ace finally stopped crashing through walls he groaned, cursed, got up and started picking his way through the holes he had made in the walls. He made sure to properly apologise to the family whose meal he had interrupted using the manners that had been patiently taught to him by Makino in his teen years - that woman is an absolute saint - and continued on his way. He carefully stepped over the grumpy marine and prepared to re-enter the restaurant.

"Lu." He called out happily, for there was the man he had been waiting for, his baby broth-

Ace's head was slammed suddenly and unforgivingly into the floor from behind. It was probably the marine captain, judging by the way his attacker was standing over him. There was the sound of someone eating a lot of food in a short amount of time and then the weight was lifted off him. Ace lifted his head just in time to see his brother being chased out of the restaurant by the marine captain.

"Hey wait. Luffy." He called, running out after them.

* * *

Smoker chased Straw Hat through the streets and over the roofs of Nanohana, his ever faithful subordinates trailing behind. When he finally came close to catching Straw Hat, the young idiot had run straight to the rest of his crew and now all of them, laden down with supplies, were running away from him and his minions.

All of a sudden a blazing ball of fire planted itself between him and his prey and formed itself into a man.

"Portgas." Smoker growled. He almost missed the questioning 'Ace?' that came from the pirates side of the strange three way standoff.

"Go ahead, Luffy. I'll catch up."Portgas said, talking back over his shoulder. His one hand was out in front of him, alight with fire. His other hand was clenched in a fist except that one index finger that was holding his hat up in that way he seemed oh-so-fond of. Why didn't he just grab himself a hat that fit rather than some outrageously over-bright orange monstrosity

"Fire Fist. Step aside." Smoker growled, placing a pair of cigars in his mouth and lighting them. This wasn't the first time Straw Hat had been protected by someone who was seas out of his league and Smoker was sure he'd need the tobacco. "Why are you helping him."

Portgas pulled a disturbing manoeuvre involving his pinkie finger and his nose. "Why wouldn't I help him?" He retorted, lighting up even more in obvious preparation for a fight. Smoker will personally beat the brat if he says something stupid like 'I wanted to test my logia against yours,' or 'just on a whim,' like the stupid D he is. Not to mention the issues there will be if the brat spews something about lovers, childhood friends or secret attachments to New World pirate legends. "Who would I be if I didn't protect my bumbling kid brother?"

Smoker sighed. He was going to need something stronger than his usual cigars. Maybe a logia battle with a D pirate would help.

* * *

"So Luffy, who was that?" Someone asked, somehow finding the breath while they were all running away. Most of the crew were too focused running to care.

"Ace? He's my brother. Shishishishi," came from somewhere behind them. The sound of people tripping was loud and numerous.

"I'm not entirely sure why I'm surprised." Nami said, getting her feet back under her.

"Why shouldn't you be surprised? After meeting Luffy's father, I'd be surprised be surprised if his cousin turned out to be a farmer." Sanji replied, oddly serious.

"It shouldn't matter." Zoro said, loyal to his captain no matter what. "What I want to know, is what's with the names. Why D?"

"Who is he anyway? He had a jolly roger tattooed on his back, so he must be a pirate, right? And a strong one to just take on the marines like that?" Vivi asked, just a little confused.

"That's what I'd like to know. Luffy, who is your- Luffy?" Nami started, realising the crew was on the Going Merry but their troublesome captain was not. "Aaah. Luffy!" She screamed, alerting everyone else to how unnaturally quiet it was.

"It's fine." Zoro said calmly, "he and Fire Fist are on the shore, Luffy's waving at us."

"Fire Fist? As in one of Whitebeard's commanders, 'Portgas D Ace' Fire Fist?" Vivi asked, somewhat faint.

"Ace is really strong. He left to become a pirate three years before I did." Said a sudden voice from the middle of the deck. "I was never able to beat him in a fight when we were kids. Bet I could beat him now."

"Who could you beat?" Ace asked, landing crouched on the railing behind Luffy.

"It's a family of monsters." Usopp gibbered, he got a couple of nods from Nami and Chopper but mostly was ignored.

"Ace!" Luffy yelped, falling forwards. "You're here."

"I heard about the trouble caused by you and your merry band of misfits here and had to come see you. How did you get on the radar of White Chase Smoker?"

"I dunno." Luffy replied, glibly picking his nose. "He nearly caught me at that place where Roger died. I can't really remember, but Ace, I met my Dad!" Luffy looked so happy at this fact. Ace narrowed his eyes.

"I don't want to know, Luffy. If he's who I think he is, you shouldn't go around telling people." Ace told him sternly. The more observant Straw Hats wondered at the shadows that seemed to pass over the older brother's face.

"But Ace! I want to tell you! I saw what the pirate king saw when he died. I climbed the execution platform. Smokey tried to drag me down but my legs got tangled up in the beams.-" And Luffy proceeded to tell his brother about the trouble he got into at Logue Town, right up until the part about the cloaked man on the ship.

"Luffy." He growled, face covered by shadows. "What were you thinking?! You could have died! It's not normal to be that stupid." Ace thumped his brother over the top of his head, now I'm too scared to leave you alone. Guess I'll be travelling with you then. Where are we going?"

"Really?" Luffy yelled, exuberant. "Ace is gonna join my crew? I'm still captain though."

Ace shook his head and sighed fondly. "It's just for now, Lu. I'm hunting someone for my own captain so it'll be just until I hear something about where he is. So where are we going?"

* * *

"So Luffy." Ace said suddenly, after checking they were the only people in this part of the Alabastian desert. "Your father. The shitty geezer only told me about his one son who is a revolutionary; Monkey D Dragon or something, he'd be your father, yeah? Is he strong?"

"I'm sorry," the blue-haired one interjected,. Apparently her name was Vivi and she was supposed to be the princess of this forsaken land. Ace had nothing against the heat, but there was too much sand for his taste. "Did you say 'Dragon,' as in the leader of the revolutionaries, Dragon?"

"Yeah," Luffy replied, no hesitation, "he's my Dad." Vivi tripped.

"So he's strong then?" Ace asked again. Vivi almost fell over. She was only saved by Sanji.

"He's only the world's most wanted man. Even more than your captain, Whitebeard. Depending on who you talk to, he might even be worse than the old pirate king. Alabasta is a country of the world council, which makes us enemies, and you're saying he's your father!" Vivi was almost hysterical.

"Ne, Ace, did you hear that? My Dad's just as bad as yours. Wow Vivi, you're so smart." More intelligent Straw Hat pirates than Luffy had moved away from Ace when flames started licking at his skin.

"I- I don't get it." Usopp stuttered, "if you're brother's, shouldn't your parents be the same?"

"Shishishi," Luffy laughed, "Ace is adopted. Grandpa took him in because his father was-"

"Luffy."Ace growled, cuffing his brother as warning to shut up.

"So who was Ace's father?" Chopper asked, somewhat naively.

"Ace's father was Gol D- OW! ACE!" Ace had channelled the meagre amount of haki his ship brothers had taught him into his fist and brought it down on the top of Luffy's head.

"You said you'd never tell anyone." He told Luffy angrily before walking off in a snit.

"Stupid Ace. Punching like Grandpa. That hurt." Luffy mumbled, following after his brother.

"How do you hurt rubber?" Sanji asked the world in general. Maybe it would help keep his food stocks… well, stocked.

"Probably with fire, shitty cook." Was the reply. Mainly from Zoro.

"What did you say, Marimo?" Sanji snarled back, the two of them devolving into another brawl.

"I don't know and I don't want to know. That family is officially scary." Nami declared this resolutely, boldly and to the agreement of Usopp, Chopper and Vivi.

"And the Shitty Geezer wanted us to be marines." Ace shouted from where he was in front of them.

"Bleh." Luffy affirmed. "Never going to be a marine."

* * *

 **AN**

 _Please leave a review. Preferably to tell me that my jokes suck and not to be so wrinkled._

 _5/09 fixed it! Damn, what a problem..._


	3. Chapter 3

**AN**

This _new chapter has been sitting in the back of my mind going "type me, type me" for so long now that it isn't funny. But I already had it half done, and as the worst typist in history I wasn't keen on restarting when my tablet wouldn't open One Note... But here it is. Have a good laugh on me._

* * *

The town of Rainbase was in a state of turmoil. Normally the main problems the citizens faced was the scorching heat and the lack of readily available water. Being so far inland in the desert kingdom of Alabaster, it was rare to see pirates. It was rarer still to see to see marines patrolling; partly because the pirates they chased rarely came in this far and partly because the shichibukai Sir Crocodile ran the largest casino in town, 'Raindinners.' Sir Crocodile not only took out the more rowdy pirates to grace the sandy island with their presence, but the casino didn't cater to government officials, marines included.

Today was definitely not the usual small casino brawl that sometimes cropped up only to be quickly squashed. Today there was rubber, smoke and marines chasing a small, motley group of pirates.

"Straw Hat!" One of the marines, legs completely engulfed by smoke, called out.

"Smokey." The pirate, 'Straw Hat,' called back, "why are you chasing me?"

"You're a pirate, Straw Hat, and I'm a marine, why wouldn't I chase you? Now get back here."

"Never! I'll never be a marine. You and Grandpa can't make me." Straw Hat yelled back, resolute. "Quick. Into the casino." Four pirates booked it into the casino. One marine captain tried to follow them.

"Sir. You can't go in there." The casino's host and bouncer both tried to tell the large marine trying to push his way in through the door. Smoker forced his way free when he watched more hosts usher his prey along the red carpet into the VIP lounge. He barely managed to make it through the doors with enough time to see the last of the pirates take the corner to the right, following the sign that told pirates to turn right and actual VIPs to turn left. It was so obviously a trap that it couldn't be more of a trap if there was a sign proclaiming for all to see, "it's a trap!"

Like the good marine he liked to think he was, Smoker ignored all the flashing lights declaring a trap and took the right hall after the Straw Hat pirates. The brats were caught between him, three walls and the ceiling. The floor on the other hand, was mysteriously and suddenly absent. With the way Smoker's luck was going, Crocodile's going to wind up being a secret member of Straw Hat's crew.

"Crocodile!" Straw Hat yelled out, "Come and fight me!" He grabbed the bars of the cage and shook them a couple of times before slumping to the floor. "What's going on? Why do I feel so weak?"

"Idiot." Smoker told him, "Those bars are made of seaprism stone. They're harder than steel and emit the same essence as the sea. If not for them, I'd be out of here already."

"Ah. Smokey! What are you doing in here?" Smoker decided it would be best not to deign that with a response. He was starting to think Straw Hat was just an idiot who was more trouble than he was worth. But then Smoker just had to think about that horrible D and he knows he needs to put the nuisance away before he truly does some damage.

"You truly are an idiot, aren't you, Straw Hat." A new voice said, this one from outside the cage. Sir Crocodile stepped into view, the hook on his arm glinting ominously. His eyes locked onto Straw Hat and stayed there, like the boy was a puzzle and Crocodile couldn't figure him out.

Straw Hat, too, seemed to be facing a puzzle. He tilted his head on a forty-five degree angle and made an odd humming-groaning noise that couldn't quite be attributed to thinking. From where he was sitting, Smoker almost swore the boy's face was turning red. Straw Hat turned his face toward the only female captive and Smoker was treated to a face that could only be described as constipated.

"Nami." Straw Hat whined. So that was the girl's name.

"Hey, Luffy," the long nosed pirate said, raising his arm to point at the captor. "Didn't Dra- Didn't your father say Crocodile was your mother? But this guy is, well, a guy." That was interesting, the correction. A small part of Smoker really wanted to know what the pirate was going to say. A much bgger part of him absolutely didn't want to know in fear that it would only add to the headache that was Straw Hat. For the most part, though, Smoker was trying to get his head around the part where SIR Crocodile supposedly gave birth to Straw Hat.

"Yeah, but Nami and Vivi say he can't be _because_ he's a guy. I don't get it. He even has the hook and scar like Dad said." Straw Hat said, everyone looking at him in various states of horror.

The pirate hunter Roronoa was muttering about idiot captains and the birds and the bees.

Long nose was concerned because the man he followed could possibly be related to some really powerful people. He also seemed to be scared Crocodile would turn out to be an okama, or turn out to have a devil fruit that changes people's gender.

The woman, Nami, was going on about how Crocodile would kill them all because of her captain's stupidity. It shouldn't really surprise her, Straw Hat truly was reckless and dense.

Smoker himself really wished he could have not known about the curse that is D and had stayed on his little island in the east blue. But he knew about the curse so he would see the boy pirate taken away from the rest of the world no matter what problems and craziness he encountered while doing it. He was also scared that Crocodile would actually turn out to have a connection with Straw Hat.

For his own part, Crocodile was deathly pale. He was staring at Straw Hat like he was a demon come personally for him from the depths of hell.

"Who the hell is telling such lies, I'll kill them." He spat, falling leagues short of any sort of calm and rational.

"Dad." Straw Hat stated simply, right pinky finger stuck obnoxiously up his nose in a way Smoker found frighteningly familiar. Then he seemed to realize not everyone would realise who 'Dad' was. "Ah, Monkey D Dragon."

Smoker choked. The long nosed pirate tried to say something incomprehensible while waving his arms about everywhere. Roronoa sighed, used to the antics of his crewmates. The girl, Nami, shouted something about being an idiot at Straw Hat while punching him over the head. It would probably hurt if he wasn't made of rubber. It still left an impressive bump though.

Crocodile sighed. "A remnant of a part of my life that should have never happened." He told them. "You will never get out of here and that is the way it should be." He tossed a key at the bananagators crawling into the room, ignored the princess trying to attack him with some weird string-type weapon and, to Smoker's discerning eye, booked it away from Straw Hat and all the craziness surrounding him like an aura.

* * *

Nerfertari Cobra watched as the Straw Hat pirate fought on par with his countries hero, one of the shichibukai, in a a crumbling tomb.

"Why are you still fighting me? What do you get out of it?" Crocodile asked while the boy took a moment to breathe.

"Because you hurt Vivi, and Vivi's my friend. For her I will defeat you." Cobra was touched. Straw Hat was fighting for his life to protect what was precious to the old king, simply because Vivi asked him too.

"You seemed so caught up on our relations, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Sure. You'll always be my Mum, but Vivi is Nakama! I'm not going to join the marines just because Grabdpa wants me too, and no matter how strong he is, I'll fight him if he hurts my Nakama. But he'll always be my grandpa, and you'll always be my Mum. But I'm a pirate and my Nakama caome before my family."

Nerfertari Cobra decided there was no talk between the two combatants, just fighting. For his own peace of mind and sanity.

* * *

 **AN**

 _So that is it. Hopefully the next update won't be so far away..._


	4. Chapter 4

**AN**

 _Okay. Wow. The reception I got for the last chapter was amazing, so now I've posted this short in between thing earlier than I was originally going to._

* * *

He was Vice-Admiral Monkey D Garp, one of the most powerful men currently serving in the marines. He was uncontestably the most powerful marine with the ability to swim. He was cool and many young recruits looked up to him.

Unfortunately his own flesh and blood didn't look up to him at all. Bunch of criminals, all of them. Which was why he was currently walking through the lower level streets of Water 7, his entire crew of faithful and obedient marines trailing behind him in two perfect, straight files. His wonderful eager new apprentices were directly at his back. The boys made good punching bags now that his own two grandsons had left home for the life of hardened criminals.

Garp pushed his way past the many ordinary citizens trying to block his path. Coming up to the main door, he stopped.

"Wait here." He told his followers, before walking around the side of the building to find a good stretch of wall.

"Hah," Garp breathed on his fist, warming it up a little and coating it in just enough haki. He pulled his elbow back and then swung his entire arm forward. His fist impacted with the wall with just the right amount of force to shatter a man-sized hole. He made his way into the room before the dust had a chance to settle.

"How careless," he said, having located his errant grandson sleeping in a chair by the table. Luffy was eating, too; how typical.

* * *

Sanji looked at the wall just in time to see the wood give way. He took in the marine that came through: the way the man exuded power, the way he searched the room for something specific, the way he pronounced their captain "careless."

"This isn't going to end well for us, is it?" Sanji asked the world at large, lighting the cigarette that had made its way to his mouth. He took a drag of the smoke and in the time it took him to breathe out, the old marine had moved to the other side of the room and hit Luffy.

"It Hurts!" Luffy complained, instantly waking up and holding his head. It took him a few seconds to catch on then he was shouting again. "Grandpa?!"

There was an instant cacophony of WHAT?"s from the various natives of Water 7 in the room. Chopper, too, seemed to have dislocated his jaw with the lot of them but he had been part of the crew that he knew enough about Luffy's family to not be prone to loud exclamations of surprise, even if he still couldn't recognise Usopp's lies for what they were.

Robin, as the newest member of the crew, seemed a little off guard from the revelation but she wasn't the sort of person to react in any way approaching normal. She could be forgiven easily enough because at this point, it was hard to tell what she already knew about the subject.

"I feel like I should be surprised by this, but I'm really not." Nami remarked,almost sad at how accustomed she had become to this sort of thing.

Sanji breathed out the smoke he had just inhaled. "To be honest," he said slowly, "I was kind of expecting it."

* * *

 **AN**

 _Yup. really short. Thankyou to Goddess of the Chibi Dragon, I actually had already tried to fix chapter two, since my end of chapter AN was in the middle... but I'll go and see what I can do._

 _Devlin Dracul, as cool as that sounds, most of it hasn't made it in to this fic, but I'll put in a bit between Hancock and Crocodile just for you._


	5. Chapter 5

So this took longer to come out then I had hoped...

* * *

Ivankov ran after that crazy Straw Hat into the bowels of Impel Down. Vhe'd only agreed to help the brat because he was so much like vhis long-time friend, Dragon. That and because if he truly was Dragon's son like he claimed, that would mean his brother was also Dragon's son.

* * *

"Where is Ace?" Vhe demanded of the prison guard that had been dishing out orders from the bottom of the stairs.

"I won't tell you." The mouthy prison guard responded. Well that just wouldn't do. Time to turn this… this muggle into a believer.

"Emporio female hormone." Ivankkov declared, jabbing vhis injector fingernails into the guards side. Vhe watched as vhis magic took effect and the very male guard turned into a gorgeous blushing beauty.

"Oh wow," the newly turned girl said. "I've found my true self. Thank you so much, Ivankov-sama. Ace-san is just over that way." Ve pointed down towards the cells.

"Thank you." Ivankov told ver gently, ushering ver up the stairs and away from the big bad criminals.

"Wow, Iva-chan. You turned him into a girl." Mugiwara-boy was gushing over the power of vhis devil fruit. Ivankov just led him and Inazuma towards where Ace was.

"This should be it. Ace-boy, where are you?" Ivankov called out, having reached the part of level 6 the newkama had pointed out to vhim.

"Oi." One of the inmates called out, a familiar looking fishman and the only occupant of his cell. "You're Monkey D Luffy, Ace's little brother?"

"Aren't you Jinbei, Knight of the sea?" Ivankov returned, "what do you want with us?"

"You just missed Ace. If you let me out of here, I'll help you rescue him. On my honour." Jinbei pleaded from where he was chained to the wall.

"Hmm, I dunno," Ivankov pretended to think about, but he knew Jinbei's reputation and was inclined to let him out. "Okay. Inazuma, let him out." Inazuma dug into his devil fruit power and cut Jinbei out from the chains. The procession of four then made its way to the lift.

"CRASH!" The lift fell to the base of the shaft, the cables used to hold it up having been cut.

The group returned to the stairs where they came down. They were just in time to see the ring of metal bars come crashing down to block their path. Ivankov was under the impression Straw Hat didn't even know how to use his brain when the rubber idiot ran full pelt into the ominously visible gas cloud. At least he verified that it's only sleeping gas.

When Straw Hat had been awoken and Inazuma had sealed off the stairs, Ivankov addressed the elephant in the room. "How are we supposed to get out of here.

"I'd thought I'd stay in here," a new voice put in from the inside of one of the cells. "But now I hear Whitebeard and the marines are going to do battle. I'd like a shot at the old man's head. You get me out of here, and I'll help you get to Marineford." Ivankov finally managed to locate the speaker as he moved forward in the cell, wrist and metal hook chained together.

"Ah, Croco-boy." Ivankov said. Mugiwara-boy heard the name and spun around, first to look at Ivankov and then to face Crocodile.

"Ah, hi Mum." Straw Hat said, cheerfully waving at Crocodile. "what are you doing here? Did you come to rescue Ace, too?"

"Didn't I tell you not to call me that?" Crocdile growled. "And I'm not here for Fire-fist. I seem to recall someone foiling my plans to take over a certain desert country, just because he was asked to."

"Ah, ok. It's my fault, wari." Straw Hat replied, not an ounce of regret in his tone or words.

"Right, ok, Mugiwara-boy. Vi'm confused." Ivankov put in, nodding Inazuma towards the cell to get Crocodile out. "Vi thought Dragon was your father. What's your relationship with Croco-boy?"

"It was a time when I was young, stupid, in love, had not yet sought your services and would rather not relive." Crocodile told vhim sternly.

Luffy, on the other hand, had no compunctions about telling Ivankov. "He's my mum," he said, finger pushed obnoxiously into his nose. "I don't know why everyone says he's not but I think I fell asleep when Zoro tried to tell me why it can't be like that. I didn't understand when Robin and Chopper tried to tell me either and they're really smart. And then I was too busy eating to listen to Sanji and Nami. Usopp tried to tell me something about a stork, but Usopp lies so there's no way a stork only choses a married pair."

Inazuma, who prided himself on his unflappability, found his eyebrows creeping towards his hairline and his hand falling to his side. He made sure not to spill his drink. Ivankov, long accustomed to dealing with Dragon and all manner of wacky people, ignored Luffy so entirely, he didn't even hear him.

"Vyou mean, vyou and Dragon?" He took a moment to think about it while Inazuma recovered himself and started working on Crocodile's cell. "Huh," vhe eventually said. "The time period fits, but really, vyou and Dragon? How did that happen."

By this time, Crocodile was very much out of his cell and his hand and hook very much too close to Ivankov's face. "It was eighteen years ago and not worth anybody's life." He said tersely. "Let's get out of here."

It was only at this moment the other level six prisoners caught on to what was happening outside the cells. Exclamations like "hey let is out too," were floating around and joined by "I want to take Whitebeard's head," and "I have a sweetheart waiting, let me out of here." It didn't take long for Ivankov to get fed up with the noise and knock everyone out with a 'death wink.'

After that, they didn't waste any more time before getting out of there.

* * *

 **AN.**

I headcannon Ivankov as using vhe/vhis/vhim as his pronouns.

As far as I can tell, The 'vw' in Ivankov's dialogue is less a bad accent and more the way vhe refers to vhimself. Ivankov uses the pronoun 'vatashi' (watashi) to refer to vhimself,which is like my preference to be referred to as xe/xem/xier, or any other genderqueer likes to use they or any other variation.

Following this, I also treat Ivankov's victims as nonbinary, and so they get pronouns that are ve/vis/vim or ve/ver/vers.

This is because I strongly resent the idea that a few hormones can change a person's entire gender identity, and the only reason I might put that in is because I like to stay true to canon.

I can buy the 'instant male-female transition' easily enough, in One Piece physics, 'Devil Fruit' is equal to 'Get Out of Jail Free' but we are yet to see a fruit that enables the eater to manipulate the will of anyone (certain filler collars don't count). But to think that things like hormones, body shape or a fruit-of-broken can change a person's whole mentality is absolute hogswash.

As someone who identifies as agender, a take offence at the entire idea.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN.**

Here it is, the next instalment. I don't have much to say, but the next two might come quicker.

* * *

All around the world, people were confused. This pirate was about to be executed, what was the point of asking who his father was?

"My only father is Whitebeard." Portgas D Ace declared, even chained to the execution platform as he was.

"Wrong," Fleet Admiral Sengoku told him and the rest of the world. "Your father was the pirate king, Gol D Roger." Everywhere there was stunned silence, followed a moment later by furious mutterings.

"Did he say the pirate king…" Men around the world asked the person closest to them.

"D? Is that?" Many others asked their neighbour.

"Your mother was Portgas D Rouge," Sengoku continued, "she protected you in her womb for twenty months before dying after giving birth to you." As if in punishment for telling the world this, or having waited until he was finished, depending on who you asked, the most clichéd occurrence ever happened.

A warship and all its passengers fell out of the sky. Very cliché.

"AAAAAAAAAAACE!" One of the falling people yelled, catching the attention of all the marines and pirates fighting below.

"Luffy." Ace breathed, right before his brother landed in the ocean. The world held its breath as everyone waited to see what would happen.

"Ace!" Luffy yelled again, once Jimbei had put him down on the ice.

"Luffy!" Ace yelled back, "what are you doing here?"

"I came to save you Ace!" It was a strange conversation, one that was had from opposite sides of a battlefield.

Why, Luffy? Why would you do such a thing?" Ace was just a little desperate. Why wouldn't he be, with all the people he loved risking their lives for his worthless hide?

"Because you're my brother!" Luffy replied, setting off yet another set of mutterings.

"Brother?" One marine asked another. "Does that mean he's also the pirate king's son?"

"SILENCE!" Sengoku roared. Everyone very quickly shut up. "He is not your brother. Monkey D Luffy is the son of the revolutionary, Monkey D Dragon." He declared, and there were even more mutterings.

"You're wrong!" Luffy yelled back. "We swore an oath of brotherhood, that means we're brothers. But that's not what's important!" Three people, in three different places, groaned. This wasn't going to end all too well. "Why doesn't my Mum get a mention? It's not fair otherwise." A large percentage of the battlefield, and the world, fell over. Sengoku, having dealt with Garp for years, allowed them time to pick themselves up.

"That's because we don't know who she is." Sengoku replied. Many people found they suddenly had an extra left foot, having tripped over it. Again.

"Oh. Well Okay." Luffy told him, way too accepting. Crocodile, realising what was about to happen, rushed towards Luffy. "My Mum is…" Just at that moment, Crocodile made it to his quarry.

"Don't you dare." Crocodile said, quiet but fierce, thumping Luffy over the head with his hook. "Don't tell them."

"It hurts," Luffy complained. "Why not? Mu-" Crocodile cut Luffy off before he could finish the word, let alone the thought.

"I said no. I brought you into this world and Mother Sea help me I will take you out of it. Don't make me send you to your room." He told Luffy, not realising what he was saying.

"What! But Mum!" Luffy whined, while everyone else was still processing.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" The entire world yelled, trying to take in the new information. The resulting echo would forever go down in history as The Great What, even if future generations weren't sure what, exactly, was great.

"Ah." Crocodile realised what had happened at the same time everyone else calmed down. A look of abject horror took over his face. He was starting to look a little blue. "Shimata, I got caught up in his pace." The world fell over, half of them deciding it might be better to just stay there.

Sengoku had needed to figure out what he was going to do about the situation. "GARP!" He just yelled. It was second nature after all these years.

Garp just laughed, long and loud.

* * *

 **Omake brought to you by Devlin Dracul.**

Pirate Empress Boa Hancock hated men. All men. Except her beloved Luffy, so it was for his sake that she was involved in this farce of a war. And maybe Hancock didn't hate Firefist Ace, because he was the precious brother of Her Luffy. Even if he was the son of the old Pirate King (That wouldn't matter when Luffy becomes the new pirate king, though.)

So it was with gleeful pleasure that Boa Hancock; Pirate Empress, Amazonian Queen, Shichibukai and man-hater extraordinaire kicked any man that wasn't Luffy and got too close. No matter whose side everyone was supposed to be on.

The revelation that her love's father was the world's current 'Most Wanted' was a bit of a shock to Hancock, but she quickly decided she loves him anyway, no matter who her new father in law may be.

The following revelation that Luffy's mother was in fact ex-shichibukai Sir Crocodile, was not met with the same blasé attitude.

"But you're a man!" Hancock declared, bending back so that her line of sight could follow down her nose, arm and finger into the middle of Crocodile's face, Vice Admiral Garp properly cackling in the background. "Does this make you," She thought about it for a moment, "a love rival?!"

* * *

Crocodile sputtered for a moment before casting his gaze across the fallen battlefield. His gaze quickly zeroed in on a blond who managed to stay standing through all the crazy bombshells.

"Marco the Phoenix." He addressed the unruffled pirate." Rumours are that you have a responsible head on your shoulders. Call me when the world is sane again. I'll be in hiding until then."

He waited long enough for Marco to nod before turning into sand and fleeing for his life.

* * *

Marco sighed. Crocodile was going to be waiting a long time. The world hadn't been sane for a millennium.


	7. Chapter 7

Next installment. Believe it or not, when I first rushed my way through writing this fic, this chapter didn't even hit 300 words. Now it's its own story...

* * *

Rubbing his eyes, Sabo stood in the harsh orange light from the sun.

"Is it sunset?" He asked Koala, who he was sure was supposed to be sleeping. "I thought it was later than that."

"It's dawn, you moron!" Koala screeched, pulling on his cheek for who knew what.

"Ah, so I" Sabo yawned, "So I worked through the night. That's nice." Sleepily, just now realizing how tired he actually was, he made his way back into his room to go to bed.

"Ship sighted." Koala announced, just as he was nodding off. Too tired to care and not awake enough to force himself, Sabo resolved to ignore it and enter slumber's embrace. "Off the starboard bow, the figurehead's a lion and the flag's a skull in a straw hat."

"What?!" Sabo exclaimed, leaping out of bed in his rush to see the other craft. A look through the telescope proved that what Koala had seen was, in fact, the _Thousand Sunny_ and that they could catch up if they pushed it. One look at Koala proved that she knew exactly what he was going to say. Sabo said it anyway.

"Increase speed and alter course 30*. We're going to pull alongside, I'll wake Hack." No longer holding any notion of sleep, Sabo set off back to his cabin to freshen up before waking their third and last crew member.

Half an hour and a shower later, Sabo was dressed and rolling Hack out of his hammock. Hack could be up and fighting by the sound of a drawn sword while in mission, but the rest of the time, the fishman sleeps like the dead. Giving up rocking Hack directly as a lost cause, Sabo instead grabbed the edge of the hammock and pulled. He let it swing back and used the momentum to pull again, going further this time. On the third pull he got the hammock inverted and held it there, letting Hack fall to the deck below. Groaning told him Hack was waking up and likely to be seeking retribution later; wisely, Sabo ran out of the room.

* * *

Most of the time Usopp hated being on watch. When nothing was happening, the job was dead boring. Just look through the telescope and see horizon, horizon, sea, horizon and a few clouds; not much happening at all and the only regular company to be had was Zoro swinging his ridiculous weights around. Luffy was never given watch duty, not having the patience to sit still; Zoro was told, under no circumstances, was he to fall asleep; Sanji, as the ship's cook, was always too busy for watch and Brook and Chopper always did theirs together, both still having issues with being alone. So Usopp generally found himself on watch more often than being part of a crew their size would suggest.

It wasn't all bad, though. Like now. As the person on watch has to keep a near constant lookout, he or she is the person who sees islands and other ships first. Usopp in particular likes it when he's the first to see other ships because it means he's already in a position where he doesn't have to get close to the enemy but can pick them off at will. Too bad most enemies these days are just Smokey and his crew and for some reason, Luffy actually likes the persistent marine.

So Usopp, as the Straw-Hat-on-watch, was dutifully keeping an eye out for Smokey, islands and enemies alike, when he saw something just a little weird. "Ship approaching from the portside stern." Usopp called down, lots of arm waving and pointing for Luffy and Chopper's benefit."Approaching at speed. They're going to ram us!" The sounds of Zoro training behind him ceased and in their place was a dark chuckle.

"A fight, huh? This'll be fun. Maybe they're five hundred thousand strong, on the same level as the emperors." Zoro's following dark chuckle was overshadowed by Luffy calling up from the deck,

"How many are there? Are they looking for a fight?" Hesitantly, Usopp put the telescope back over his eye to see. Not believing what the telescope was telling him, he checked again and reported the situation.

"That's no fun." Luffy complained, Usopp only hearing because Zoro was dragging him down from the crow's nest, the jerk.

"Their ship's too small to ram us anyway, really just a large fishing boat." Franky declared, looking at the steadily approaching ship through his own telescope.

"Really, three?" Nami asked, "Sailing in the New World?"

"They sound lively." Robin giggled, covering her mouth covering her mouth with her hand in a manner that made the whole thing creepier than necessary.

"That's what I saw," Usopp repeated, hoping to get the point across, "a woman manning the ship and a guy dressed in a suit being chased by a fishman."

"To be so careless on the Grandline." Sanji remarked, lighting a cigarette and leaning against the wall, deceptively calm but ready to kick black holes away from the galley.

"They must be really strong, especially if they had to get through Paradise." Nami gibbered, understanding exactly what Usopp was trying to convey.

"But there's only three." Zoro pointed out, "and they're flying Kilo."

"Aw, I wanted a fight."Luffy complained, sitting against the railing and pouting.

"As if you could beat me anyway. Permission to come aboard, Captain?" A new voice called, the speaker perched on the railing directly above where Luffy was sitting. Face brightening in a grin, he titled his head back to look at the newcomer. Usopp thought he looked familiar, but couldn't place his face. Maybe from a wanted poster?

* * *

With a heavy thump, Hack landed on the deck of the _Komodo._ Groaning to show his displeasure at being woken up in such a manner, he listened as Sabo made his way out of the cabin Hack shared with Koala.

As strange as it might seem to have a male fishman rooming with a female human, their ship was little more than a fishing boat, consisting of the main deck, storage hold, single cabin and galley. So Hack and Koala traded sleep and watch from the cabin while Sabo handled paperwork and navigation in the galley. Unfortunately that arrangement also put Sabo in close quarters with the food, which wasn't always such a good idea when one considered the guy's meagre cooking skills and voracious appetite.

So after a week of sixteen hour sleep cycles and poorly cooked rations, Hack was not happy with being woken up five hours into what should have been an eight hour nap. Grumpily, he put on his gi and rushed out of the room to hunt down the menace.

When Hack caught up with that overworked firebrat, he was going to dump his flaming arse in the ocean.

"Why you'd wake me up?" He asked Koala as he made a third pass around the wheel before chasing Sabo back to the bow. He was fully aware they were running around in circles but the ship was just that small and the days of just not quite enough sleep had taken their toll.

"Straw Hats sighted." Koala told him while he and Sabo ran more circles around the stern. "We're coming alongside." He understood, but wasn't able to respond as Sabo ran off and attempted to hide behind the mast.

After a few more runs around the deck, they pulled close enough to the pirates that Sabo made a sudden run for the railing and, using his fire, launched himself up to land on the Straw Hat's railing while Hack didn't have the momentum to follow him. Backing up, he carefully analysed the situation, forming and discarding ideas until, yes. That should work very nicely.

Now to implement his revenge.

* * *

Coming down from the crow's nest had two purposes for Zoro. The first was normal: having finished training, he was going to find a spot on the deck for a nap. The second was less normal but still simple: there was a ship coming and he wanted to see what they wanted. It helped that he knew the presences on board and had no reason to believe they were hostile.

Grinning, he listened as Nami and Usopp debated over how strong they probably were. After all, Nami hadn't been with them the last time, but Usopp should have remembered them. Zoro frowned.

"They're only three. And they're flying Kilo." Luffy complained about this fact and Zoro chuckled, leaning against the starboard railing with his arms crossed as Luffy slouched against the port.

"I wanted a fight" was still ringing in the air as sparks flew up from over the side of the ship, closely followed by a blond man dressed in blue.

"As if you could beat me anyway," the newcomer stated, crouching on the railing above Luffy's head. Zoro watched Luffy's face light up as he tilted his head back at an inhuman angle. "Permission to come aboard, captain?

"Thank you for looking after my brother." The blond bowed, taking off his top hat and looking at each of the Straw Hats in turn.

"Well this looks familiar." Zoro remarked idly, earning amused snickers from Robin while the rest of them were looking at each other in confusion.

A sudden burst of hostility sparking at his observation haki had Zoro mistrustingly eying the railing where the other vessel was floating, fingering the hilts of Shusui and Sandei Kitetsu in case someone had the bright idea to attack his captain.

This was the only reason he saw Sabo suddenly go flying overboard.

Watching Sabo go overboard was the only reason Zoro was able to grab Luffy's ankle as the rubber idiot dove after his brother. Unfortunately he was just a little bit too late and he and Luffy went into the sea below together.

* * *

As many times as Sabo went to wake up Hack, he had never figured out that the fishman wasn't actually that heavy a sleeper and just liked the excuse to chase the chief around the ship.

Or maybe he had and kept doing it because he liked being chased around a 25ft space with nowhere to hide.

Koala didn't care; either way, _she_ wasn't going to tell Sabo that he didn't have to be so harsh waking Hack up and Hack himself didn't seem inclined to stop the game.

Koala herself didn't particularly care for the childish display, either as a participant or to watch. They were, after all, supposed to be the chief-of-staff of the revolutionary army and one of its top officers, and if they were seen chasing each other in circles, the army would lose its hard earned reputation.

But it seemed to make them happy and more inclined to work so she put up with it. She sort of liked seeing what sort of punishment Hack could put Sabo through when he caught up, anyway.

"We're alongside the Straw Hat's ship." She reported, dropping the fenders over the side and adjusting the sails so they could drift at the same pace as the bigger craft. A glance up from the tied sheets showed that such words, required through maritime manners as they were, were redundant. Sabo was already boarding the _Thousand Sunny_ while Hack was looking at the two railings and seemed to be mapping distances and trajectories in his head.

As she watched in gleeful amusement, Koala saw Sabo bow to the people on deck, presumably thanking them for sticking with someone as crazy and reckless as Straw Hat, which he kept declaring he'd do. Koala smiled to herself as she caught the glint that entered Hack's eyes as her oldest friend started to straighten up.

Quicker than his size would indicate, Hack sprinted across the 8ft beam of the ship and launched himself off the railing, just high enough to be able to reach the back of Sabo's collar as the blond straightened fully. Grabbing said collar, Hack planted his foot against the hull of the pirate's ship, twisted and kicked off, using the momentum to fling Sabo clear over the _Komodo_ and into the ocean on the other side. Koala kept watching as Hack landed agilely on the deck of the boat before jumping overboard after the sinking devil fruit user. A third splash on the other side alerted her to the fact that, for some reason, one of the Straw Hats had also gone over. Somehow, they were already flying Oscar.

'Two,' she amended, 'two Straw Hats gone over,' as green hair broke the surface and dragged his rubber brained captain to where a pair of arms were throwing over a ladder for them to climb back up. Another two pairs of arms threw down a rope each that she quickly used to lash the _Komodo_ to the _Thousand Sunny,_ while checking the fenders were secure, before scaling the ladder herself to greet the other crew.

"Robin," she heard someone whining, "Why would you help them onto the ship?" He kind of sounded like the sniper, "God" Usopp.

"Why wouldn't she?" Koala asked, sticking her head over the side and hoisting herself up. "We are friends, after all."

"Oh." The sniper breathed recognition evident all over his face. "It's _you._ "

"Huh, you know them, Usopp?" The only woman besides Robin on the crew, the navigator, "Cat Burglar" Nami, asked. "But I thought they were Sanji's family." Everybody turned to the blond man expectantly, which Koala couldn't understand because half of them already knew the truth.

"No, not me. I've never seen them before in my life." The blond said, puffing on his cigarette.

"So they're Usopp's family." The little reindeer doctor exclaimed.

"Ah, no. That's not," The sniper started to say, right as a sopping wet Sabo was tossed onto the deck, followed by the very fishman that had thrown him into the water in the first place.

"Guys," Luffy declared, a bouncing ball of energy where just a second ago he was still fighting off the lethargy bought on by his ill thought out swim. "This is my big brother, Sabo."

"It's very nice to meet you," Sabo slurred from where he was sprawled out on the grassy deck.

"Haven't you been in the papers recently?" The chef asked. "The second in charge of the revolutionaries, or something. Went head to head with the new admiral, Fujitora?"

"Yeah, that's right." Sabo grinned. Koala knew he wanted to see the reactions of his brother's crew when they figured out he was as much a big shot as Ace had been.

"Okay, would you like some tea?" Koala had to look away from Sabo's put out expression before she burst out laughing. She almost lost the fight right then when she saw Robin's sly smile.

"To be so accomplished at such a young age." The skeleton remarked, "You must be truly strong." Koala remembered that the skeleton had spent two years performing music concerts for his many fans; so even if he didn't know about the rest of the family, he'd be no stranger to rubbing shoulders with some big names.

"You're a revolutionary?" The reindeer-doctor - Chopper - asked, eyes sparkling. "Do you have any heroic stories to tell?" Koala snuck a glance at Sabo's face and had to cover her mouth with her hands. Sabo looked like he couldn't decide whether to be obscenely pleased at the praise or upset at the lack of a reaction. Koala felt someone come stand next to her and turned to see Nami.

"I feel like I should be surprised someone like this is Luffy's brother, but I was kind of expecting it." The navigator confided. Koala was no longer able to hold in her laughter and it all came out explosively.

"What's all this racket?" A new voice asked, stopping Koala's laughter in its tracks.

"Ah, Jimbei spends too much time in the heads." The Straw Hat captain declared. Koala spun around to see the whale shark fishman she had been so close to as a kid.

* * *

 **AN.**

So... I crammed a lot of boat references in this one that I don't expect people to understand. Fear not, I will tell you what they all mean.

port and starboard: the left and right of a boat. so named because a ship always pulls into port on the left, leaving the right to the rowers to steer. See, the 'port' side and the 'steerboard' side.

galley: The official name for a ship's kitchen.

alongside: Should be obvious but I'll include it just in case. When you pull up next to something. Wharf, ship, pontoon, man overboard...

fenders: Used to prevent damage to ships when they bump up against something. Able to take a lot of abuse. Commercial ships use tyres but the wooden ships in One Piece probably use wicker.

hull: Another obvious one. The hull is the main part of a boat. Includes the keel, sides, storage and is basically the part that floats.

beam: the width of the boat. Basically if you cut the boat from port to starboard, that's the beam.

Kilo: International Maritime signal flags have patterns names and is yellow and blue bisected vertically and means 'I want to communicate.'

Oscar:Another flag. Oscar is red and yellow bisected diagonally and means 'I have a man overboard' I imagine Nami would have Franky rig the sunny so they just need to push a button to fly and pull down this flag.

the 16hr sleep cycle: ship watches are set up in a way very unlike shift work. Really. There are typically 7 watches in a day, 5 of 4hrs and 2 2hrs. This means nobody takes consecutive night watches which means everybody is getting the same raw deal. I took liberties and gave Koala and Hack alternating 8hr watches.

heads: I really couldn't resist putting this one in but I'm not going to tell you what it means. Cookie to those who know or find out.


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